Teenage sex — 5 things I want my daughter to know

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Sex rocks. 

It can and should be really enjoyable — for the girl as well as the boy. As women, our bodies were designed to give us pleasure, not just give others pleasure. It’s not something we’re supposed to do in order to gain someone’s affection. Nor is it something we’re supposed to do in exchange for a dinner and movie date. It’s something we should do if and only if it’s something we truly want to do. Whether it happens at 16 or 40 really isn’t the issue.

2. Trust is essential.

There’s nothing more intimate than sex, yet social media has made it easier than ever for this intimacy to be shared with the world at large. Before having sex, ask yourself: “Could I trust this person with my deepest, darkest secrets?” If the answer is no, do not proceed with caution. Rather, do not proceed at all.

3. Respect matters as much as love.

While I truly belief there’s nothing better than loving sex between two individuals who truly care about one another, I believe it’s ok to have sex without being in love. Longings and curiosity are part of our make-up, and I say indulge them. Just do so respectfully.

4. Oral sex is sex.

I’m sure you’ve read the horror stories about teenage girls engaging in fellatio as readily as they give away sticks of gum. This seriously petrifies me. Somehow, these girls have been led to believe that oral sex isn’t actually sex. I strongly disagree. In fact, I believe it’s far more intimate than intercourse. While yes, it’s a great way to enjoy intimacy without risking pregnancy (but not STDs), it warrants as much consideration as sex as we know it.

5. Safety first.

There are some nasty STDs out there, and other unwanted side effects — like babies. It’s essential that our girls be safe and smart. In my opinion, birth control pills should be looked at as a back-up with benefits (like acne prevention and regular periods). Condoms come first. Always. End of story.

Will she indulge in teenage sex or become a 40-year-old virgin?

As I was organizing my thoughts on this subject, I came across this post from MamaMia. Here, I read two points that really align with my own values:

First, sex is a healthy part of a good relationship. Second, sex is better and safer when it’s indoors and in private rather than in a park, at a party or in someone’s car.

Sexual activity is not the same as promiscuity. If I ever felt my daughter was leaning towards the latter, I’d no doubt have compiled a completely different list. But she isn’t, and in this context, what I wish for her is something that took me too many years and errors to experience for myself: confidence, self-respect, worthiness, and both physical and emotional happiness.

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By | 2017-08-07T14:46:57+00:00 July 2nd, 2017|30 Comments

30 Comments

  1. Diana July 3, 2017 at 5:29 pm - Reply

    I agree with some of these but not all. Maybe it’s because I waited till I was in love and in college before losing my virginity and because of that I have only ever been with one man, and he is now my husband. I, personally, feel that sex should only be given to someone you love. Now whether or not that’s how my daughter will feel, that’s up to her.

    • THE WORDY MOM July 3, 2017 at 7:33 pm - Reply

      Hi Diana, I thank you for your honest response and really respect what you’re saying. Her father feels the same way as you, as I’m sure many parents do, my own mother included. While I would love her to have your experience, I do want to be prepared for the possibility that she may not be that way inclined, and should that be the case, I feel I must guide her to move forward with caution, trust and respect for herself and others.

  2. Kanani Stone July 4, 2017 at 4:38 am - Reply

    Wow, so my kids are all under 10 and I’ve been thinking when to start talking to them. This was a fresh perspective tho and much different from the other things I’ve been reading on the net. I have to admit, your advice on what to talk about make so much sense esp. the first point! Def. should be pleasureable for both. I love that your POV made this subject NOT TABOO.

    • THE WORDY MOM July 4, 2017 at 8:37 am - Reply

      This is definitely a topic that there are many perspectives on, Kanani. Glad this was something you could relate to.

  3. RM July 4, 2017 at 4:20 pm - Reply

    I know this can be a controversial topic , but I agree with every single one of your points… You have raised a well informed young lady who knows she can come to you with any questions.

    • THE WORDY MOM July 4, 2017 at 10:20 pm - Reply

      Thanks, and I certainly hope so. She’s a very, VERY private girl, but I do trust that when it really counts, she knows she can come to me and count on me to support her, even if her choices aren’t choices I’d make for myself (hers will likely be better than the ones I made at her age!). She’s her own person, after all.

  4. jhilmil July 4, 2017 at 8:34 pm - Reply

    Such a beautiful & important post. It is better to speak out clearly of all these points with kids one they have reached teen age. Further loved the way that you respected her thoughts!

    • THE WORDY MOM July 4, 2017 at 10:19 pm - Reply

      Thank you!

  5. Jalisa July 5, 2017 at 8:32 am - Reply

    I love all of these. I’m a first time mom but only have a four year old boy at this time. When we have another if we have a girl this would be helpful. I wasn’t informed much on this subject when I was younger.

    • THE WORDY MOM July 5, 2017 at 9:18 am - Reply

      Yes, this is definitely girl-oriented.

  6. Karen July 5, 2017 at 1:26 pm - Reply

    It is so important to talk to our kids about sex. My parents never talked to us about it and figuredwe would just learn about it on our own…needless to say I got pregnant really young and it was quite the struggle

    • THE WORDY MOM July 5, 2017 at 2:28 pm - Reply

      I think so many of us want to give our kids the benefit of the doubt when it comes to sex, drugs etc., but so important to air on the side of caution here.

  7. ohmummymia July 5, 2017 at 4:12 pm - Reply

    It’s really important to talk about sex with our kids. Better to know something from us then from Internet or friends

    • THE WORDY MOM July 5, 2017 at 8:19 pm - Reply

      Agree wholeheartedly!

  8. Jasmine Hewitt July 5, 2017 at 4:42 pm - Reply

    I love your perspective! think a lo of parents make the mistake of making this topic too forbidden, and thus forcing their kids to rebel and just go for it, leading to bad consequences. Love how supportive you are!

    • THE WORDY MOM July 5, 2017 at 8:24 pm - Reply

      Thanks, Jasmine. I agree. I remember my mom finding out that I’d gone on the pill because she saw me sitting at the doctor’s office with my boyfriend at the time. That night, she talked to me extensively about waiting, not just giving it away, etc. I felt very judged. I was actually 18 at the time – older than most of my friends were when they lost virginity – and while he wasn’t the love of my life, he was so kind and funny and gentle and respectful, which made it a very positive first experience. That’s all I can hope for when it comes to my own daughter.

  9. ryan July 6, 2017 at 7:07 am - Reply

    So glad I have a boy…although baby 2 will be here in November and we don’t know the sex. Crap haha. Def a tough topic!

    • THE WORDY MOM July 6, 2017 at 8:06 am - Reply

      Boys or girls – you’re going to have to face it eventually. Oh well – you have lots of time to build up your courage!

  10. Lauren July 6, 2017 at 8:30 am - Reply

    Well said, it sounds like you’ve done a fine job of raising a fine young lady. Best wishes with this new inchartered territory of parenting x

    • THE WORDY MOM July 10, 2017 at 1:12 pm - Reply

      Still a work in progress, Lauren, but feeling pretty good so far!

  11. Skye July 6, 2017 at 11:06 am - Reply

    Brave post! As a former high school teacher, I really commend your words. I think this is something all teenage girls should read.

    • THE WORDY MOM July 10, 2017 at 1:12 pm - Reply

      Much appreciated. If you can help me spread the word by sharing this, I’d be so grateful!

  12. Belle July 6, 2017 at 2:18 pm - Reply

    I love how honest you are with your daughter about this very controversial topic. My kids are 1 and 2 and I haven’t thought about how I’m going to handle this yet.

    Belle | One Awesome Momma

    • THE WORDY MOM July 10, 2017 at 1:11 pm - Reply

      Thank you Belle. Honesty is the best policy, I think. Even if it’s ugly some of the time.

  13. Elise Cohen Ho July 10, 2017 at 2:56 pm - Reply

    I have read not only the post but also the comments. I can appreciate that some people do not agree with all you have written and think that is perfectly fine. We do not all have to agree with each other. My hope, though, is that ll of your readers will have the most important take away of all. Open communication with your child is the key to everything and you have that in spades. Great job, momma.

    • THE WORDY MOM July 10, 2017 at 2:57 pm - Reply

      Thank you, Elise. You’re so right. We all have different values so each mom will address this in her own way. As long as it is addressed, though.

  14. Kristi File July 10, 2017 at 5:14 pm - Reply

    This was such an interesting post to read. My son is only 2 but I do find myself wondering how we will approach the subject of sex when he gets older. Thanks for sharing.

    • THE WORDY MOM July 10, 2017 at 5:53 pm - Reply

      Thanks, Kristi. You have lots of time to figure it out : )

  15. Tayler Morrell July 11, 2017 at 7:40 pm - Reply

    No matter what, sex education is important. However, my family is strongly Mormon, so (hopefully) I want have to worry about this issue with my children.

    • THE WORDY MOM July 11, 2017 at 10:22 pm - Reply

      Yes, Tayler, hopefully you’ll have one less awkward conversation to have with your kids as a result of your beliefs. I wish you the best.

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